I have been really trying to get back to you, even if it is a glimpse of how I once was.

I want this again. I miss it.

Friday evening meeting spent in company of friends, coffee, and the WORD.
Sunday morning meeting with a large number of believers
Daily Devotionals-writing in depth about them.
Wed night praising the lord. These were all good things. I fall in and out of this so much and when I was living back in Erie, this all had meaning I saw my purpose and began to understand the professional road I would move down. Now here I am, a home owner in pittsburgh, working at the VA (my first real job) and seeking out something more exciting. All these good things are happening that the minor things, that normaly would break me down have no effect on my dwelling state of energy.

I have another meeting with the transplant team, I have a great shot at getting this job, and I hope it is mine, I want to work and learn. I want to be so tired from day to day. I am so close to having the american dream, all I have to do is get married and paint my fence white. Niether of these tasks are impossible. Justin is the man i will marry, and my fence is wood brown.

God has given me so much, it is time for me to give back the effort and live for him. Jen

Forseen the screw

Now I know I shouldn't be mad, I know I should resolve this within myself and give it over to God, but first I need to wallow in it-before I can just turn it off.

In Dec I was hired at the VA, early Jan i had to go to obc. My time keeper here at the VA contunued to put me in as ML (military leave) and I was getting paid while I was gone, the research supervisor saw nothing wrong with it and said well it's fine. I contacted payroll many times, and guess what no answer-Idiots. So i just let it slide, now when my leave is all jacked up I call and ask about it. She does a query and realises I was coded wrong by my time keeper. WHen I call her to straighten out my leave, she acts like SHE DID NOTHING WRONG, not only did her mistake screw me over, nothing will happen to her, she will contunue to be irresponsible at her job and screw people over at their job. When I called her about my leave, I said if we are going to do this, which I have no choice then it needs to be done right. In my mind I was thinking YOU INCOMPITANT FUCK!

I have to let this go, I am now in the hole 4600 that is more than my savings, but i knew it was coming just a matter of when, since it looks like a lot of bad things tend to come at once, I wonder what is next. However, I am not going to give in to it, after today I will be over it, and I will not let this experience hold me back.

I have been interviewing for a new job. I hate my job now, and here is what I hate about it, there is nothing for me to do, well not enough and when I get work to do it isn't research work, it is an office secretary. This job will get me working 8-10 hours a day, come home and do school work and pass out! To me that sounds amazing. THis work and waste 8 hours is making me so lazy, when I am busy I am able to manage my time better.

After the incident with my time keeper, I have no desire to stay. I think I just pay back what I owe and walk away, to something better.

I finished watching the second season of House, and the last episode-IS he okay? Are they going to go into a Thrid season?

Wow it is crazy.

I am detoxing myself. I feel like crap and it makes me never want to explore the lifestyle I had all summer, work all day drink all night.

Well I have a PT test here soon-today I am going to run exactly two miles and time myself to see how much work needs done over the next few days of killing myself. I hava a PT test next saturday.

Tomorrow I am meeting with Dolly, to begin nogotinating for the house, man this is official. I feel that Justin keeps telling me this stuff about electric and gas, it should all be put in my name, I want this and I want that-we will have to do this. Like where is the money going to come from? The basement needs so much TLC to it, and a dehumidifier-which is fine-but he wants this big expensive one it seems like-HELLO WHAT IS IN THE BUDGET NOTHING. ANd I give so much money to buy him stuff, food, help out with the Bills and granted I don't have a car-I really wish i did sometimes though-he isn't budgeting anything to be able to afford the repairs on the house. so far I have put 1,000 into this house-he hasn't put anything. He spends 130 bucks for Kung Fu-that 130 could be used to put floors in each room-and by paint for the house-along with Furntature-I only blow money because I have nothing to pay bills on. Hmmm, I have more debt then he doesn it seems, but ahh-maybe I should put my bonus towards his stupid car so it is paid off. Well I dont think I would like doing that anyway. My credit card is paid off. I have about 1200 left in my old bank account. I can buy the furnature and rugs i want with that. Paint for the kitchen.

THe house is in decent shape. Just so much work needs done-Justin and I were talking about getting second jobs-I can't because I go to school-and I am having trouble meeting deadlines. This is the second week in a row I am late.

I miss typing my randominess into the computer.